


sometimes i can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives i'm not living

by roots_symphony



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Gen, friendship!fic, maybe pre-relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 20:08:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10578588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roots_symphony/pseuds/roots_symphony
Summary: Just because the Ghostbusters saved the city, doesn't mean that everyone automatically believed them. And Erin can only ride the high for so long before the hate starts to get to her, making her question whether embracing Ghost Girl was really right the choice after all.*This is mainly just a drabble to help get me back into the feel of writing again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written for a while, but I'm hoping to slowly get back into the habit, so this is just a drabble to help with that. And sorry, I know drabble technically isn't the right word because it's longer than 100 words, but I also don't know what else fits, so... Also, fair warning, I started writing this at 5 am after staying up all night, so I'm sure there are some mistakes. I mean, I read through it a bunch of times, but like I said I haven't slept, so there's probably stuff that slipped through.

It’s Holtzmann who finds her, though Erin’s not sure she was even really looking. Perhaps "accidentally stumbled upon" would be more accurate, but Erin needs the hollow reassurance that comes from knowing she might have been missed.

 

The cool breeze pushes her hair back as she inclines her head toward Holtzmann in invitation, a scarce silence finding it’s home between them like a welcome friend as the sunset paints the sky in shades of red. Holtz’s boots make small scuffing sounds as she crosses the roof to join Erin near the ledge. Erin who’s curled in on herself on the metal bench Holtz fashioned after the first night love for them lit up the sky. Her knees are drawn to her chest as goosebumps pepper her arms and her glassy eyes look out over the horizon, and as Holtzmann sits she subconsciously mimics the position, as if hoping it will help channel her way to what Erin’s feeling.

 

It's Erin who speaks first, tentative and small, “Do you ever feel like…” She pauses, biting her lip as she tries to sort out her thoughts, “Like you can feel the earth spinning, and it’s stealing the breath from your lungs?” Though Erin’s face is earnest, she doesn’t seem to actually expect a reply, continuing before Holtz has even fully processed the meaning behind her words. “I can feel the gravity, Holtz. It’s pushing me down, while the rotation’s pushing me away and I’m so-” Her voice catches and when she speaks again, Holtz can hear the tears. “-I’m so _afraid._ It’s going so fast, and I’ll never catch up.”

 

Words have never been Holtz’s specialty, they jumble and twist on the way to her mouth, and what she says hardly ever seems to be what she's meant, but she’s not so sure that words are what Erin needs. With everything too fast and too much, adding her voice to the world might only make it worse. So instead she slides closer until their sides are pressed completely against each other, until Erin can ground herself with Holtz’s solidity. It takes a second, tears gathering in the corner of Erin’s eyes, and then Holtz can feel her lean in, Erin’s head coming to lay so delicately upon her shoulder, like she’s afraid any more pressure would cause the illusion to shatter.

 

Her voice is raspy when she speaks again, “Sometimes, I don’t regret leaving Abby. I-I regret hurting her, but… But sometimes I think that maybe it was the right choice after all.” Holtz does her best not to react, knowing there’s more to come and letting Erin set the pace. “I was _so_ young when I was labeled Ghost Girl.” A cheerless laugh escapes as she says, “I don’t even remember what life was like before it; it’s been so long and I was just a little kid, ya know?” Her voice becomes somber once more. “And then I was alone. For years. Until Abby forced her way into my life and reminded me what it was like to be loved again. But, even with Abby, I was still Ghost Girl. I was just celebrated for it instead of ridiculed.” With a heavy sigh, she lifts her head back up and stares out at the sky, her expression wistful. “When I left, I wanted to feel safe again, like I did when I was little. I still felt like I had time to learn about myself as _Erin,_ and not as Ghost Girl. And I couldn’t do that with a published book forever tying it to my name…” Erin trails off as memories of another time, another _her,_ flood her mind.

 

When a  minute passes and it seems that Erin is no longer gong to continue, Holtz quietly clears her throat, drawing Erin’s attention to her as she asks, “And did you?” At Erin's look of confusion, she tries again, “Learn who you were, I mean? Outside of ghost girl?”

 

Erin’s sad smile gave her a million different answers, but it's her words that break her heart. “Not everyone comes back as ghosts. When that Erin died… She left for good.”

 

Hotlz falters, trying to piece together what Erin isn't saying. “But if you didn’t find her, then why are you glad you left Abby?”

 

“I may not have found the 7 year old me who looked at the world with hope, but I did find the me who could stand on her own outside of Ghost Girl, who was spoken of as brilliant instead of crazy.”

 

“Do you miss her?”

 

“Truthfully?” She pauses, grasping for what to say, “I… I didn’t much like her. But, I liked what she gave me. She belonged in a way that I never had, and she fit in just enough to be invisible." A small shrug accompanies her next words, "It was welcome; it was nice. And I miss that more and more.”

 

The longing in her voice makes Holtz’s heart race with fear, her words coming out rushed, “But she wasn’t you.”

 

“Wasn’t she?” It’s the first time Erin's made eye contact since the conversation started, and Holtz does her best to convey in her eyes all she can’t yet say.

 

She is quick and firm with her counter of no. “She’s wasn’t. She never really was. I- You’re-” Holtz’s fists curl in frustration, she doesn’t have a speech prepared this time and she’s feeling the loss with every slip up she makes, turning her head from those piercing blue eyes in the hopes that this will make the words come easier. “Ghost girl is a part of you, Erin. You said yourself you don’t even remember what it was like before her! Before _you._ ” Her voice raises slightly as her words mash together from the speed at which she’s talking, like if she gets it out fast enough, Erin won’t leave. “She’s who you are, she makes up every part of you, and you can’t just… Just get _rid_ of her without getting rid of yourself. And you shouldn’t want to either.” She rubs her hand down her face, giving herself a moment before she speaks again, voice low. “Erin Gilbert is amazing. She's strong, and brave, and smart, and so,  _so_ **kind,** in spite of what she’s suffered.” Holtz takes a deep, steadying breath before making eye contact with Erin once again, wanting to make sure each word gets through. “ **You’re** amazing, Ghost Girl. Every single part of you.”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> It ends kind of abruptly, but it just felt right to it stop there? Idk. I've been wanting to post for Holtzbert week, but I haven't really liked anything I've written and I think it's partly because I kept trying to force it and I didn't want to do that with this. And I mean, I may come back to it and add more chapters and actually adapt it from pre-relationship to an actual relationship fic, but for right now this is how it stands. I hope you guys liked it.
> 
> Oh, and the title is a quote from "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close," by Jonathan Safran Foer. I've never actually read the book, but I learned the quote from somewhere when I was younger and it just stuck with me.


End file.
